i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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