I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
