just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize