im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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