apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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