I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
