She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
