saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
