If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
