someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
two words: eviction party
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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