why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
