when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We were destined to go to rehab together
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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