Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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