Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
