Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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