I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
