I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
