Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
