Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
