im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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