We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
