He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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