My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
