I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
