$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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