i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
