Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize