When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
