thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
