'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize