my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
