All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
