this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
