I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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