I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
