also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
