would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
