Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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