nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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