She said her name was "party"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize