the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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