fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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