Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
this hospital has no fireball
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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