is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize