I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
