the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
