i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
