i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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