you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's like heaven, but drunker
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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