Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
