I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
