My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
