the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
