apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's official drugs can't kill me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
