We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
