I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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